


i'd hold you down (if I could, make you the enemy)

by bluesky_daydreaming



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aaron Minyard loves his brother, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew's fifth year, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Wholesome Twinyards, ignoring some of the Twinyard's canon, maybe a little ooc but it takes place in the future so, this could be gen but i rated it teen just because it's aftg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26507323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesky_daydreaming/pseuds/bluesky_daydreaming
Summary: Neil will tie himself down to Andrew and stick around until Andrew tells him to go and Andrew does not want to be the one who is responsible for keeping Neil on the ground. He will not be the reason that Neil lets himself shut down after they are all gone, the reason he never branches out and seeks out someone new to touch, someone who gladly let him touch them.****Or: Andrew pushes Neil away because he thinks it will be easier than watching him leave.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 15
Kudos: 289





	i'd hold you down (if I could, make you the enemy)

**Author's Note:**

> Technically I'm supposed to be writing the second draft of my novel but this idea formed in my head and it wouldn't go away so here I am posting it on AO3
> 
> This is the first time I've written Andreil so don't hurt me if it's ooc, Andrew is hard to write and I just want them to be happy. Aaron became a bigger part of this than I originally planned and the plot is a wreck oops
> 
> This also kind of swapped to third person omniscient on accident so I'm sorry if it gets a little confusing lol

Andrew is not stupid. 

He knows that Neil is content, happy even. He knows that Neil seeks him out on bad days, but he will give Andrew space on his own bad days (if that is what he needs), even if their bad days happen to coincide. 

He knows that the other Foxes do not get it, do not get  _ them,  _ will not ever get them, and even as the girls and then Matt and then Kevin graduate their watchful eyes - while becoming less and less judgemental - are always focused on Neil. 

The new Foxes are always curious but  _ always  _ quiet because while Andrew has not felt the need to pull a knife in a long time he would not hesitate to do so and everyone knows it. 

Neil thinks it’s endearing. Andrew thinks he’s stupid. 

Andrew also knows, despite how often he yearns to forget, that Neil thrives on affection, on company. He does not mind being alone, but for nearly five years Neil has never had to be  _ lonely  _ and for some reason that scares Andrew even though Neil has not said a word about it. 

He knows that Neil is happy. He’s happy  _ right now.  _ But in May, Andrew will leave and Neil will be without the original members of his family - bar Wymack - and Andrew knows that Neil will get lonely. He knows that Neil - who keens into touch whenever he can, whenever Andrew can give it - will let himself shut down and ache for it because Andrew is not there and none of the other Foxes are either. 

And he will not do anything about it because Neil never does. 

He is  _ hopelessly  _ loyal to his Foxes - the original ones, mostly, but maybe a few of the newer ones. He is hopelessly loyal to  _ Andrew.  _

And this is why when Neil asks,  _ ‘yes or no?’  _ in the morning, just like he always does, Andrew says  _ ‘no.’  _

Because Neil will tie himself down to Andrew and stick around until Andrew tells him to go and Andrew does not want to be the one who is responsible for keeping Neil on the ground. He will not be the reason that Neil lets himself shut down after they are all gone, the reason he never branches out and seeks out someone new to touch, someone who gladly  _ let  _ him touch them. 

And maybe at the same time Andrew is a little scared that Neil  _ will  _ realize that he does not have to remain tied to him and he’ll leave first, and Andrew wants a change like that to happen  _ his  _ way because it will hurt less that way. 

(That’s what he tells himself, anyway.)

Neil does not ask again after the first  _ no.  _ It is a practiced routine. When Andrew says no, Neil waits until Andrew wants to ask. 

It is predictable and normal and Andrew has let himself slip into a routine with Neil that they are both about to lose and he does not want to wait and see how long it takes for Neil to pull away from him, so he pushes Neil away under the guise of wanting to protect  _ Neil’s  _ heart when he knows he is really protecting his own. 

Neil  _ will  _ be lonely when he leaves, and he knows it because he will be, too. And is that not something? Andrew has spent his entire life waiting to die - to die  _ alone - _ and now he is faced with a future and does not know what to do with it but he knows that Neil would gladly be in it, at least at the start, and Andrew cannot stand the idea of holding him in place but he also cannot stand the idea of letting him go, so he lets himself believe that pushing him out is the best thing for both of them. 

He ignores it when Neil throws him a questioning look that night as he climbs into his own bunk, forgoing kissing him goodnight, and curling against the wall and pretending his heart does not squeeze when Neil accepts his actions without question. 

He steadfastly ignores the concerned looks that Neil gives him the next day. He tries not to think about how even after nearly four years of  _ this  _ Neil does not push. Of how he trusts Andrew to come back to him eventually and he ignores the part of his heart that says he is betraying him. 

He made Neil promise not to run. 

And now he is doing exactly that. 

Neil’s concern fades into hurt on the third day, and Andrew keeps trying to ignore it. He ignores Neil and Nicky and Aaron and Wymack even though they all try to speak to him, try to get him to open up. 

On the fourth day, Aaron follows him to the roof, and Andrew tries not to roll his eyes as his twin sits down beside him. 

They have gotten better with each other over the years. They have developed an understanding, and slowly, slowly, they are becoming brothers instead of relatives. 

“He’s worried about you.” Aaron says. Andrew does not reply. “I don't really know what you’re doing, or why, but I think it’s stupid.” 

Andrew turns his head, eyeing his twin balefully. 

Aaron matches his look easily, “We graduate in two months. You’ve stuck with Neil for three years. Do you expect me to believe you suddenly want to let him go?” 

“He asked me to let him go years ago.” 

“He thought that he was going to die and he didn't want you to feel like you failed him.” 

Andrew huffs, agitation blooming in his chest, and it frustrates him how easily emotions come to him these days, how his apathy is fading away for good, truly becoming a mask instead of something he actually feels - or does not feel. 

“Since when do you care about Neil anyway?” 

Aaron shrugs, “I don’t.” Andrew glares at him. “I care about you.” The surprise that he feels is another thing Andrew elects to ignore. “I can tell that you’re miserable, too. And I think it’s stupid to be miserable when what you want is right in front of you.” 

“I don't want anything.” 

Aaron rolls his eyes, which is a true testament to how far the two of them have come because their sophomore year that would not have been an option. 

“Wanna know something?” Aaron asks. He does not wait for a reply, “I didn't believe that when we met and I believe it even less now.” 

Andrew glares again, desperately wanting this interaction to end, “Believe what you want.” 

Aaron huffs, “He’s sulking right now, just so you know.” 

“You did not come up here to lecture me.” 

“I already told you why I came up here.” 

Andrew lights a cigarette to fill the silence that follows after. 

“I pity him, right now.” 

“Neil does not need your pity.” 

Aaron takes a deep breath, “If Katelyn randomly shut me out for four days, I would lose my mind.” 

It’s a brave move, bringing her up. Try as he might, Andrew cannot convince himself that Katelyn is anything but bad news. 

(He really is trying. Aaron tries for Neil. Andrew can do the same, now.)

Andrew raises an eyebrow. 

“I guess I put myself in his shoes, or something.” Aaron gives Andrew a meaningful look. It’s a mix of understanding and sadness and something uniquely Aaron - brotherly, maybe, “If you really don't want anything, end it officially. I don't like Neil, but,” Aaron bites his lip, “being uncertain of where you stand with people you care about is never fun.” 

Andrew steals himself, “He will leave, eventually.” 

“So you want to leave him first.” 

Andrew stares out over the parking lot.

“Do you think he wants anyone other than you?” 

Aaron has always been smarter than he looks. 

(And Andrew would never admit it but Aaron is definitely smarter than him.) 

He takes Andrew’s silence as an answer. 

“Talk to your boyfriend, Andrew.” Aaron stands to leave, and Andrew does not even argue the term, even though it feels too small for Neil. 

“Let’s never do this again.” Andrew says instead of thanking Aaron, and his twin laughs. 

“Deal.” 

And then Andrew is alone again, just as he always has been, and he tries to imagine how he would feel if the roles were reversed. 

He wants to say that he would feel nothing. It would not bother him because he and Neil are nothing, so it would not matter. He knows it is not true. He knows that he would accept it, would let Neil have his space, but he also knows that it would eat him alive, eventually. 

When Andrew finally heads back down to the dorm, it is dark outside and there’s a pile of ash by his thigh that is large enough to draw concern from even the worst of chain smokers. 

Neil is sitting on the couch when he walks into the dorm, his knees pulled up underneath his chin, and Andrew’s heart tugs a little because he  _ misses  _ him even though they are in the same room. 

A little relief flashes across Neil’s before he schools his expression and looks away. 

Andrew bites the bullet and sits down on the couch, as far away from Neil as he can manage and tries to ignore it when he sees Neil lift a shaking hand and hide it behind his knees.

Neither of them say anything for a while. Neil gnaws on his bottom lip, but he does not make a move to break the silence. 

(Neil tells himself it is not because he’s relieved to have Andrew near him right now and he doesn't want him to bolt.) 

(He tells himself he isn't terrified Andrew isn't bored of him. Tells himself to force that memory away because it was  _ before.)  _

(It doesn't work.) 

“Neil.” Andrew says after a while, and he hates the way that Neil jumps a little, as if he was not expecting Andrew to ever say anything.

Neil feels a piece of his heart crack, and he suddenly and viscerally doesn't want to hear what Andrew is about to say, “It’s okay.” He says, and he ignores how weak his voice sounds because he doesn't want to cry, he doesn't want to admit that he’s devastated. Doesn't want to admit that he had woken up with the ghost of Lola’s hands on him and sought out Andrew only to remember that they weren’t speaking. 

“Neil.” Andrew tries again. He can see Neil drifting away from himself, disappearing into his head. 

Neil squeezes his eyes shut, “You told me this was nothing after you kissed me the first time.” He hates the way his heart lurches at the memory. It was almost amusing back then, and has become a joke, now, but here, in this moment, Neil can’t help but wonder if it had always been true for Andrew. 

Andrew is silent. Neil is a fighter by nature, pushing and snapping, refusing to let anyone hurt him or gain the upper hand, but Andrew has always been the exception to Neil’s pushing. And yet, he had expected Neil to fight tonight. Had readied himself to be snapped at as soon as he sat down, as soon as the silence was broken. 

Neil’s resignation, his utter acceptance that Andrew is done, is not something that he expected. 

Neil leans his head back against the couch, opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling, “I just.” He gives up on fighting the wetness in his eyes because it’s a lost cause anyway, and if Andrew is really done - really  _ bored -  _ then it doesn't matter if he makes a fool of himself. “What did I  _ do,  _ Andrew?” His voice breaks, and Neil can’t even make himself care. His heart  _ hurts  _ and he just wants to know. 

Andrew is silent because he does not know what to say. He does not know what to do about the tears welling in Neil’s eyes or the one that slips down the left side of his face. Neither of them know how to cry properly anymore, and the fact that even one tear has made it down Neil’s cheek is proof enough of how badly Andrew has hurt him. 

Aaron had said Neil was miserable. Maybe Andrew neglected to wonder how much so. 

Neil stands up, his shoulders slumped and defeated, because he knows he won’t get an explanation out of Andrew and he wants to be alone to deal with it, but Andrew grabs his sleeve, and Neil freezes. 

“You did not do anything.” Andrew cannot let Neil walk away from him. The idea of pushing him away in this moment tears Andrew open in a way that is foreign and unwelcome. 

Neil turns back around, “I had to have done  _ something  _ because otherwise -” He stops himself, and for a heartstopping second Andrew thinks he might pull his sleeve away from his fingers and that will be that. 

“I did not want you to leave.” 

Neil frowns, “What?” 

“After I graduate.” Andrew says. 

Neil sits back down, still careful not to touch.

“After I graduate, you will be alone here.” 

“Okay?” 

Andrew grinds his teeth together. He does not know if he is mad at Neil or himself or the world.

Probably all three. 

“I do not want you to find someone who will be here.” 

It’s selfish. So, so selfish. He is doing exactly what he did not want to. 

Neil looks stunned, as though that is not something he has considered, “I don't swing, Drew. I’ve only ever wanted you.” 

Andrew does not argue the point, “I pushed because I wanted to end this,” He says the word on purpose, needs Neil to know that it is not nothing to him, “before you could.” 

Andrew feels raw and exposed. Communicating his feelings does not come easy, and each word seems to drain him of more and more energy. 

“I don't want to end this.” Neil whispers. 

“Okay.” Andrew says, and Neil feels himself relax, his lungs taking in air the right way for the first time in days. 

Andrew stretches one of his hands out between them and Neil takes it before he even has time to consider the gesture. 

“You scared me.” He admits, and Andrew just curls his fingers a little tighter around Neil’s. 

Andrew scoots across the couch so that he is almost pressed against Neil’s side, “Come here.” He says, and Neil melts against his side. He is almost embarrassed by how much it calms him down. 

“Talk to me next time.” Neil says, his lips brushing the side on Andrew’s neck. 

“Aaron yelled at me.” 

This startles a laugh out of Neil, “He did not.” 

“You are the liar, not me.” 

Neil lifts his head off Andrew’s shoulder, the ghost of a smile on his lips, “Yes or no?” 

“Yes.” Andrew says, and he knows that Neil is not just asking about kissing him, and then he closes the distance between them and cannot believe he tried to let this go. 

(If Aaron finds them asleep on each other’s shoulders the next morning he doesn't say anything about it.) 

(And if a picture of them curled together like that ends up in Andrew’s camera roll then it’s nobody’s business.) 

(If the ice between Aaron and Neil thaws a little for the first time in years no one but them will ever know why.) 

**Author's Note:**

> Would y'all believe it if I said this was supposed to have more angst?
> 
> Thank you for reading loves, I appreciate you all
> 
> Okay so I didn't expect this to get as many kudos as it did because it was just rambling, so let me know if y'all want to read the whole thing from Neil's pov because I originally set out to write it that way and got too attached to Andrew lol


End file.
